The asset management giant introduced a new human resources initiative on Tuesday, inviting its summer analysts to provide "honest reviews" of their bosses in a streamlined effort to locate and terminate those lacking basic corporate survival instincts.
The encrypted platform, which went live across the firm’s North American offices this week, explicitly promises 22-year-old undergraduates a safe space to critique the management styles of the senior partners who control their entire professional futures. According to an internal memo, the portal actively logs IP addresses, employee ID numbers, and typing biometrics to ensure the resulting industry-wide bans are applied to the correct students.
We used to waste weeks trying to figure out which summer analysts lacked the baseline subservience required for a career in asset management," said Richard Gable, Global Head of Talent Synergies at BlackRock. "Now, they just log in, type out an earnest paragraph about their managing director's 'toxic communication style,' and security knows exactly whose monitor to unplug.
The memo also addressed outside vendor relations, clarifying the firm's stance on executives publicly complaining about underperforming PR representation. Any managing director who attempts to "publicize a bad publicist" will be immediately enrolled in a mandatory $85,000 reputation-management seminar run by the exact same public relations agency they were attempting to critique, in order to protect shareholder value.
Wall Street analysts praised the efficiency of the new HR tools, sending shares in the firm up 1.2 percent on the print. At press time, three Wharton juniors had already been physically escorted from the Hudson Yards headquarters after giving a vice president a three-star rating for "insufficient mentorship."