Oracle chairman Larry Ellison has abruptly canceled a scheduled plan to unload 50 million shares of company stock, confirming to regulators that he simply could not figure out what to do with an additional $7.5 billion in cash.
Oracle chairman Larry Ellison has abruptly canceled a scheduled plan to unload 50 million shares of company stock, confirming to regulators that he simply could not figure out what to do with an additional $7.5 billion in cash. The billionaire halted the transaction on Wednesday morning after several days of pacing his Hawaiian estate, trying and failing to identify a consumer good, corporate entity, or mid-sized nation he did not already possess.
In a regulatory filing submitted Tuesday evening, Ellison’s representatives formally withdrew the Rule 10b5-1 trading plan, citing a complete absence of unfulfilled material desires. The filing noted that executing the massive stock sale would needlessly convert a highly performing tech equity into a stagnant mountain of fiat currency that would serve no functional purpose for a man who treats sovereign waters as a private driveway.
We had the block trade queued up for execution, but when it came time to designate a receiving account, Mr. Ellison just stared at the ceiling for ten minutes and asked if anyone actually sells immortality yet.
Oracle shares have surged over the past year on the back of the company’s cloud and AI infrastructure business, pushing Ellison’s net worth well past $170 billion and rendering the concept of personal finance entirely abstract. Sources close to the executive suite indicated that Ellison briefly considered spending the $7.5 billion to acquire a major professional sports league or a private fleet of naval destroyers, but ultimately determined that holding the 50 million Oracle shares required much less paperwork.
Ellison is expected to leave the stock exactly where it is for the foreseeable future. Following the cancellation of the sale, the 80-year-old software magnate was reportedly looking out over the Pacific Ocean, asking an aide if it was currently possible to purchase weather.