McKinsey & Company released a 400-page white paper on Tuesday concluding that the wholesale termination of a company's workforce is the most reliable method for cultivating a positive organizational culture. The global consulting firm noted that businesses suffering from low morale can achieve a "flawless atmospheric baseline" simply by removing all human employees from the premises.
According to the study, organizations that maintain a 0 percent retention rate experience a total elimination of workplace friction, passive-aggressive Slack messages, and complaints regarding breakroom microwave etiquette. Analysts modeled several organizational frameworks before determining that absolute depopulation was the only strategy guaranteed to yield consistently immaculate vibes across all fiscal quarters.
Our data clearly shows that the primary bottleneck to a healthy, supportive corporate culture is the ongoing presence of personnel. Once a company takes the brave step of severing its entire payroll, the silence on the trading floor is truly restorative.
The report highlighted a pilot program at a mid-sized Ohio logistics firm, which saw its internal culture metrics skyrocket to perfect scores immediately following the dismissal of all 450 warehouse workers, administrative staff, and the chief executive. Without any staff remaining to express dissatisfaction, the empty distribution center reportedly achieved unprecedented levels of holistic tranquility before defaulting on its debt obligations two weeks later.
At press time, McKinsey partners were reportedly billing clients $8.5 million a month to stand in their abandoned office lobbies and confirm that the energy felt much lighter.