The Wall Street bank raised its year-end outlook on Wednesday, assuring clients that the equity market has successfully absorbed the financial implications of every conceivable threat to human existence.
NEW YORK — Morgan Stanley officially joined the upper echelon of Wall Street stock market forecasts on Wednesday, raising its year-end S&P 500 target after determining that the absolute worst-case scenarios for the future of humanity will not negatively impact corporate earnings.
In a note distributed to clients, the bank’s equity strategy team explained that the market has demonstrated remarkable resilience in the face of ongoing geopolitical instability, climate degradation, and institutional decay. Because these catastrophic threats primarily affect the physical world and the people attempting to survive in it, analysts concluded they pose almost no material risk to the profit margins of the fifty largest publicly traded corporations.
When we stress-test our models against rolling ecological disasters or a fundamental breakdown of international law, the impact on mega-cap tech revenue is statistically negligible.
The research note explicitly modeled several high-risk scenarios for the coming decade, including a fractured domestic electrical grid and the permanent cessation of commercial maritime shipping. In each scenario, Morgan Stanley concluded that major index components like Apple, Amazon, and Microsoft would simply consolidate their market share and aggressively reduce headcount, allowing the broader index to continue its upward trajectory entirely unmoored from the material conditions on Earth.
Following the release of the updated forecast, the S&P 500 rallied an additional 1.2 percent in morning trading. The surge was led primarily by companies that manufacture the server architecture required to algorithmically trade the decline of the American empire.