My flawless U.S.-China trade deal is ready to sign, pending two minor personality transplants

Similarly, the concessions required from Beijing are entirely reasonable to anyone who has read my column. General Secretary Xi Jinping simply needs to dismantle the central pillar of his domestic authority. Under my framework, Xi will go on state television, denounce the structural foundations of 'Made in China 2025,' and admit that state-subsidized tech monopolies are economically inefficient. Surely a man of his intellect can see the value in abandoning his nationalist mandate and dismantling the Chinese Communist Party's grip on state-owned enterprises just to ensure my spreadsheet balances.

My technology sector compromises are equally flawless, relying only on a baseline assumption that both nations suddenly start behaving like gentlemen in a 19th-century cricket match. Washington will agree to stop weaponizing the dollar, and in exchange, Huawei executives will voluntarily hand over their proprietary 5G source code out of a newfound, warm-hearted sense of Western liberal sportsmanship. Forced technology transfers will end because, under my plan, Xi will simply realize that stealing intellectual property is rude, and he will apologize to Tim Cook in a handwritten note.

The agricultural provisions are just as smoothly engineered. Iowa soybean farmers, who have spent the last several years being battered by retaliatory tariffs, will be asked to pivot immediately into manufacturing advanced robotics components. I have modeled this transition on my laptop, and it works perfectly so long as the farmers agree to feel no emotional attachment to their generational land and instantly acquire postgraduate engineering degrees. Trump need only deliver this news to the Midwest with the somber, self-effacing humility of a 12th-century ascetic monk.

I presented this framework to a former Treasury Undersecretary over branzino last night, and he wept, calling it the most logically sound document he had ever read. It is now up to the leaders of the free and unfree worlds to do their part. If the global economy collapses into a fragmented, decoupled mess of protectionist blocs and shattered supply chains, it will not be because my policy was flawed. It will be because two stubborn men aggressively refused to become the completely different people I needed them to be.