The pharmaceutical giant announced Tuesday it has successfully acquired the intellectual property rights to the fleeting neurological relief experienced when a previously aborted calendar invite is reinstated and then immediately canceled again.
Pfizer Inc. announced Tuesday it has successfully secured the intellectual property rights to the fleeting neurological relief experienced when a previously canceled calendar invite is reinstated and then immediately canceled again.
The pharmaceutical giant confirmed the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office has granted it exclusive commercial rights to the specific synaptic response triggered by consecutive Outlook scheduling errors. According to regulatory filings, Pfizer now owns the rights to the exact microgram release of dopamine that floods the prefrontal cortex when a 2:00 p.m. strategy sync reappears on a schedule, only to be permanently deleted three minutes later by a disorganized project manager.
We view this secondary calendar-cancellation relief as a vastly under-monetized asset in the modern enterprise environment.
Moving forward, corporations utilizing software platforms like Microsoft Teams or Zoom will be required to pay Pfizer a fractional licensing fee every time an employee experiences the chemical high of realizing they do not have to present a slide deck they haven't started. The company noted it plans to enforce the patent primarily through enterprise-wide subscription models, charging Fortune 500 HR departments a flat monthly rate to cover their middle managers' scheduling incompetence.
Shares of Pfizer rose 4 percent in early trading as Wall Street analysts upgraded the stock, citing the immense volume of unnecessary weekly touchbases likely to be scheduled and aborted before the end of the fiscal quarter.