The enterprise software giant has retained three separate consulting firms to determine why its workforce experiences a sudden, unexplainable drop in outbound communications just as the afternoon wears on.
San Francisco — Salesforce has retained three separate management consulting firms to determine why its workforce experiences a sudden, unexplainable drop in email volume precisely at 3:30 p.m. every afternoon, warning investors the phenomenon poses a severe headwind to fourth-quarter productivity.
The $120 million "afternoon optimization initiative," led by a joint task force from McKinsey and Bain, will also deploy enterprise-grade webcam surveillance to track pupil dilation. The software is designed to confirm whether remote workers are actively absorbing late-day strategy updates or merely staring blankly at their monitors while waiting for the day to end.
We are tracking a massive, unexplained evaporation of outbound communications right around the time local elementary schools dismiss, which we can only interpret as a coordinated effort to suppress our forward guidance.
To combat the daily slump, the company is rolling out an updated suite of workplace analytics that measures "unbroken manager engagement." Under the new policy, if an employee breaks eye contact with a vice president on Zoom for more than forty seconds, the software automatically logs the incident as a willful abandonment of shareholder value.
In a note to clients Thursday morning, analysts cheered the effort, estimating that if the tech giant can successfully cure human biological fatigue with enterprise software, it could unlock hundreds of millions in trapped capital before the next earnings call.