Market researchers announced Wednesday that traditional revenue models are no longer sufficient for evaluating the space exploration company, prompting a formal industry-wide shift to valuation methods based entirely on closing one's eyes and believing.
Ahead of what is expected to be a record-breaking initial public offering for the space exploration company, financial analysts confirmed they have permanently discarded their valuation spreadsheets in favor of a new pricing model based on the sheer spiritual magnitude of CEO Elon Musk. According to DataTrek co-founder Nick Colas, attempting to justify the aerospace manufacturer's astronomical market cap with basic arithmetic would be a profound failure of imagination, and potentially a violation of fiduciary duty.
The acknowledgment that institutional investors are structuring billions of dollars in trades around a deep, unquantifiable feeling was delivered with the standard calm of a morning market note. "If you look at the actual cash flow and capital expenditures, the math simply does not add up, which is why we have advised our clients to stop doing math," Colas stated, noting that the firm's revised pricing targets rely heavily on a proprietary metric called Unquestioning Belief. "The market has decided that Musk's past ability to launch heavy objects into orbit is a tangible financial instrument. We are advising portfolio managers to adjust their positions based on how strongly they feel in their hearts that he will figure out the rest."
Once we realized that dividing projected orbital revenue by operational costs produced a deeply unhelpful number, we simply replaced the denominator with pure, radiant faith.
Major financial institutions have rapidly adapted to the new methodology to avoid being left out of the highly anticipated public offering. Morgan Stanley and Bank of America have reportedly issued updated guidance to their technology desks, instructing junior analysts to replace standard EBITDA calculations with a mandatory daily period of quiet, steadfast reflection on the eventual colonization of Mars.
The shift in accounting standards has also streamlined the due diligence process for major institutional buyers. Rather than poring over quarterly earnings reports or capital depreciation schedules, pension fund managers are now simply assessing whether their internal belief in the chief executive is sufficiently unwavering. At press time, trading floors across Manhattan were seen confidently logging buy orders after verifying that the stock price, while mathematically impossible, felt spiritually correct.