A polite request: please spare a thought for Kyle Sandilands as he scrapes by on a $12M settlement

I remember exactly where I was when I heard the chilling news that Kyle Sandilands had been forced to settle his legal dispute with ARN Media for a paltry $12 million. I was at my usual table at a discreet Sydney establishment, picking at a wagyu tartare, when my phone buzzed with the alert. I had to put down my silver fork. My appetite was completely ruined.

In a modern, civilized society, we like to believe that our greatest cultural contributors—the men who bravely broadcast bodily function noises to commuters trapped in morning traffic—will be adequately compensated for their genius. We like to think the legal system protects the artists. Yet here we are, witnessing one of the great radio shock jocks of our era brutally strong-armed into dropping an $85 million lawsuit for what amounts to pocket change.

Let us look plainly at the sheer cruelty of these numbers. Twelve million dollars. And not even in a lump sum, mind you, but staggered over three agonizing years. I sat down with an ARN executive recently, and I looked him squarely in the eye and asked him how he sleeps at night knowing he has condemned a media icon to survive on a mere four million dollars a year. The executive simply smiled, the cold, dead smile of a man who knows he just robbed a national treasure blind.

It is horrifying to consider the lifestyle adjustments Sandilands will now be forced to make. Four million a year, before tax, barely covers the maintenance on a modest fleet of luxury vehicles and a handful of waterfront properties. We are essentially asking a man who has shaped the very fabric of Australian commercial radio to clip coupons. At this rate, he may be forced to occasionally fly commercial, an indignity no human being should ever have to endure, let alone a man who once successfully convinced a nation to care about a radio segment involving a lie detector test.

And what of the $1.5 million in "advertising contra" thrown into the deal for his yet-to-be-announced broadcasting venture? Contra! The absolute nerve. What is a man of Kyle's stature supposed to do with contra? You cannot pay a personal chef with advertising airtime on KIIS FM. You cannot fuel a private jet with promotional spots during the 3:00 AM graveyard shift. Giving a multi-millionaire shock jock "contra" is the corporate equivalent of leaving a waiter a religious pamphlet that looks like a fifty-dollar bill. It is an insult wrapped in an accounting trick.

Consider the emotional labor of starting a "new broadcasting venture yet to be announced." We are asking a man who has already given his best years to KIIS FM to suddenly pivot, to reinvent himself, armed with nothing but $12 million in cash and a fistful of worthless advertising contra. How does one even begin to build a media empire from scratch when one is forced to rely on barter agreements? I shudder at the thought of Kyle having to trade a 30-second promo slot just to get a decent flat white in the morning. It is essentially a return to the barter economy of the dark ages, imposed upon one of our most luminous stars.

I cannot help but contrast this grotesque penny-pinching with the government's reckless spending elsewhere. Just this week, Labor announced it is tipping $3.6 billion into pay rises for childcare workers. Three point six billion! For people whose only job is to ensure toddlers do not swallow Legos while their parents are at work.

It boggles the mind. We are throwing billions of dollars at people who merely keep the next generation alive, while brutally starving the men who provide those parents with vital, low-brow entertainment on their drive to the office. What good is a living child if their parents have to commute in silence? A nation’s priorities are reflected in its budgets, and right now, Australia is loudly declaring that it values the safety of its infants over the financial security of its shock jocks. It is a very dark day for the arts.

Thank God, at least, for Jackie O Henderson. While Sandilands has tragically folded under the crushing weight of ARN's corporate bullying, Henderson is bravely continuing her $82 million claim against the broadcaster. I had the privilege of seeing Jackie at a gala last month, and I was struck by the quiet, noble dignity of a woman who refuses to accept anything less than the GDP of a small island nation to settle a workplace dispute.

She understands what is truly at stake here. This is not just about the money. This is about the principle. If an Australian radio host cannot successfully sue their employer for $85 million, then what is the point of the legal system? What are we even doing here? Are we just going to let corporate executives hoard all the wealth, denying our most cherished celebrities the right to extract massive, life-altering sums of cash whenever they feel slightly aggrieved?

Some populist critics will inevitably argue that $12 million is more than enough. They will point out that the average Australian worker will never see a fraction of that money in their entire lifetime. To these people, I say: grow up. The average Australian worker does not have to endure the grueling, soul-crushing labor of talking into a microphone for three hours a morning. The average Australian worker has never had to orchestrate a prank call that goes slightly too far and then issue a carefully worded apology drafted by a PR crisis team.

The sheer psychological toll of being Kyle Sandilands is immense, and ARN Media has decided that toll is worth a measly twelve million dollars.

I have reached out to several prominent politicians to ask if there will be a parliamentary inquiry into this tragedy. So far, they have remained cowardly silent, clearly terrified of the powerful radio lobby. But I will not be silenced. I will continue to use this column to shine a light on the desperate plight of the ultra-wealthy media elite.

In the meantime, I am starting a GoFundMe to help cover the $73 million shortfall in Kyle’s settlement. I urge all working-class Australians to chip in whatever they can spare. It is the least we can do for a man who has given us so much, and who has now been left with so terrifyingly little. If we do not stand up for our multi-millionaire shock jocks, I fear there will soon be no one left to stand up for us.