Seeking to quell a rising tide of panic on the lot, ITV managing director Kevin Lygo assured nervous staffers on Tuesday that Comcast-owned Sky is spending billions of pounds to acquire the network simply out of a deep, abiding respect for its existing management structure.
As the massive acquisition awaits a regulatory green light, Lygo gathered development teams and executives to push back against industry buzz that the takeover would result in widespread redundancies. According to internal memos, the managing director confidently explained that multinational telecom conglomerates are famous for dropping astronomical sums of money on legacy broadcasters just to sit back and watch them thrive under their current overhead.
"I think everybody understands the logic of the deal, which is that Comcast looked at our bloated infrastructure and said, 'We must preserve this fragile ecosystem at all costs,'" Lygo reportedly told the room, pointing to the massive acquisition price as undeniable proof of their job security. He then cited the long, proud history of media mega-mergers resulting in zero operational changes, no asset stripping, and decades of uninterrupted friendship.
If Sky wanted to come in here, fire the board, and sell the studio space for luxury flats, they would have simply bought us for a much smaller, meaner amount of money.
Early indicators suggest Sky executives are already measuring the ITV executive suites for new carpets, though Lygo has reportedly interpreted the presence of Comcast liquidators in the building as a fun preview of their new corporate synergy. At press time, Lygo was seen cheerfully handing over the master keys to a team of restructuring consultants, confident they were just there to help him finalize his autumn scheduling.