Fresh off a primary victory for the state's utility commission, Jim Zeigler plans to safeguard humanity by approving massive fossil fuel expansions for local data centers.
MOBILE, Ala. — Fresh off a Republican primary victory for a seat on the state’s Public Service Commission, 78-year-old Jim Zeigler outlined his regulatory vision Wednesday for protecting citizens from artificial intelligence by ensuring the technology is powered by massive, uninterrupted streams of combusted fossil fuels.
Zeigler, who campaigned on the self-proclaimed title of "AI Watchman," celebrated his victory at Wintzell’s Oyster House before driving four hours to a funeral in his hometown of Sylacauga. Upon taking office, his primary mechanism for monitoring the existential threat of machine learning will involve rubber-stamping rate increases for Alabama Power as it builds out natural gas infrastructure to feed the region's ballooning data center load.
The commissioner-elect’s strategy reflects a growing consensus among utility regulators that the best defense against sentient software is to securely tether it to the state's legacy coal fleet. By retaining a tight regulatory grip on the gigawatts of baseload generation required to train large language models, Zeigler aims to keep a watchful eye on exactly how many new methane leaks the algorithms will necessitate.
We are thrilled to work with Commissioner-elect Zeigler to ensure these rogue neural networks are safely contained within facilities drawing 400 megawatts of unscrubbed baseload power.
Utility executives note that the "watchman" approach aligns seamlessly with the state’s latest integrated resource plan, which delays the retirement of Plant Miller—currently the highest greenhouse gas-emitting power plant in the United States—to accommodate the tech sector's staggering electricity demands. While tech companies continue to file ambitious net-zero pledges in their SEC climate disclosures, state commissions remain the quiet administrative bodies tasked with actually turning the coal into the cloud.
For three decades, state utility commissions have reliably approved whatever capacity expansions the moment required, from the residential air conditioning boom to cryptocurrency mining. The AI era appears no different, merely swapping the stated justification for the carbon emissions from "cooling a suburban home" to "generating a synthetic image of a cat in armor."
Zeigler is expected to be sworn in shortly before the commission’s next quarterly rate hearing, where the AI Watchman will face his first major regulatory test: observing an algorithm request three new combustion turbines, and voting yes.