Following a new book by authors Naomi Klein and Astra Taylor warning that global elites are increasingly comfortable with the earth's demise, major energy producers have formally added the apocalypse to their actionable transition scenarios. The targeted collapse of the biosphere is projected to significantly streamline corporate sustainability reporting by the middle of the century.
Chevron, BP, and TotalEnergies submitted revised climate disclosures to the Securities and Exchange Commission on Tuesday, explicitly listing a total biosphere collapse as their preferred pathway to achieving net-zero operations. The filings arrive just weeks after Klein and Taylor outlined the rise of a powerful coalition of "end times fascists," a demographic that industry analysts have quickly reclassified as a highly motivated growth market. According to the updated corporate guidance, liquidating the habitability of the planet offers a more reliable return on investment than previously modelled investments in wind and solar infrastructure.
A comprehensive cessation of human history represents the only mathematically rigorous mechanism for arresting our carbon footprint while preserving near-term dividends.
The Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change has quietly integrated the targeted demise of the earth into its upcoming AR7 synthesis report, noting it is currently the only emissions pathway with robust private-sector backing. Regulators at the Environmental Protection Agency are reportedly drafting preliminary guidance to ensure the final destruction of the planetary climate system complies with existing air quality statutes, while the Bureau of Ocean Energy Management plans to proceed with a finalized lease sale in the Gulf of Mexico to help accelerate the timeline.
Wall Street’s environmental, social, and corporate governance sector has responded positively to the regulatory clarity. BlackRock debuted a new suite of transition-focused exchange-traded funds designed to capture the upside of the eschaton, allowing retail investors to hedge against the total collapse of the global food web. Meanwhile, the carbon-credit registry Verra has begun issuing high-quality offsets for the anticipated drop in global energy demand following the extinction of the consumer base.
The viability of the end-of-the-world transition strategy will be formally debated by delegates at COP30 in Belém, assuming the host city has not yet slipped permanently beneath the rising Atlantic.