Following a string of devastating temperature swings and regional droughts, researchers have finalized a drought-proof varietal designed to ensure autumn snacking remains viable through the collapse of the biosphere.
After decades of observing wild temperature swings and extreme drought decimate the north-eastern United States, researchers at Cornell University have successfully bred an apple varietal capable of ignoring the complete breakdown of the global climate system.
The breakthrough follows the devastating Valentine's Day Massacre of 2015, a severe weather event that destroyed orchards across the region. Rather than continuing to wait for international regulatory bodies to enforce meaningful emissions caps on oil majors like Exxon and Chevron, horticulturists led by professor Terence Robinson have instead opted to engineer fruit that can comfortably ripen in a scorched wasteland.
By the time we read the IPCC AR6 report, it became clear that holding warming to 1.5 degrees was a lost cause, so we pivoted our funding entirely toward making a Honeycrisp that can survive a 115-degree October.
According to data published this week in Nature, the newly finalized varietal requires virtually no groundwater and features a reinforced cellular structure designed to withstand flash freezes, mega-droughts, and the gradual collapse of the Atlantic Meridional Overturning Circulation. The resilient fruit will allow consumers to enjoy a crisp, seasonal snack even as the concept of seasons ceases to exist.
Agribusiness conglomerates have already pre-ordered millions of the resilient saplings, hedging against the inevitable failure of their own corporate net-zero pledges. The first commercial harvest of the doomsday apples is scheduled to hit supermarket shelves in 2030, coinciding seamlessly with the deadline for the Paris Agreement targets that the international community is universally expected to miss.