The petroleum giant commended the National Weather Service for accurately tracking the catastrophic temperature milestones the company explicitly elected to trigger forty years ago.
Noting that the suffocating temperatures currently blanketing the United States are arriving right on schedule, ExxonMobil executives confirmed Tuesday that the day-by-day July 4 heat wave forecast aligns exactly with the atmospheric conditions the company outlined in a 1982 internal strategy memo.
The dangerous heat dome, which is expected to push heat indices above 115 degrees across much of the country this holiday weekend, was reportedly selected by the oil major's board of directors in the late 1980s as the preferred alternative to transitioning away from fossil fuels. Company spokespeople expressed satisfaction that the National Weather Service's latest color-coded hazard maps perfectly mirror the "high-emissions scenario" Exxon scientists drafted before burying the data to protect quarterly earnings.
We are thrilled to see our long-term atmospheric investments finally bearing fruit for the American public this Independence Day.
Chevron and BP also issued statements ahead of the holiday weekend, reminding consumers that the lethal humidity making it dangerous to stand outside was a joint industry effort requiring billions of dollars in sustained legislative lobbying to protect. According to the EPA, the staggering duration of the heat wave is a testament to the industry's successful five-decade campaign to ensure no meaningful global action was taken at any UN climate summit.
Representatives from Verra, the world's leading carbon-credit registry, confirmed that purchasing a $4 offset will do nothing to lower the ambient temperature at a family barbecue, but will theoretically allow the host to claim their hot dogs are net-zero.
As millions of Americans alter their holiday plans to avoid heatstroke, the American Petroleum Institute advised families to remain safely indoors with their air conditioning running, noting that the resultant surge in natural gas demand should arrive just in time to boost the sector's Q3 emissions filings.