Executives at the oil major confirmed the soupy, 95-degree heat wave settling into New England is the culmination of a four-decade atmospheric engineering project.
The heavy, soupy heat settling into the American Northeast this week has been formally claimed by ExxonMobil, whose executives described the oppressive humidity as the successful culmination of a four-decade, multibillion-dollar lobbying and extraction campaign.
As dangerous storms and 95-degree temperatures creep up the Eastern Seaboard on Thursday, the oil major issued a brief statement congratulating New Englanders on their newly acquired subtropical climate. The sultry conditions align perfectly with internal corporate modeling from 1982, which accurately projected that sustained regulatory capture would eventually bring Gulf Coast-style atmospheric moisture to the Boston suburbs.
People are calling this weather a sultry anomaly, but we prefer to view it as a successfully delivered product.
The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration has issued extreme heat warnings from Philadelphia to Maine, advising residents to stay in air-conditioned spaces while the upper atmosphere continues to metabolize the 37 billion metric tons of carbon dioxide emitted globally last year. Meanwhile, major ESG funds tracking the energy sector have begun quietly reclassifying the resulting severe thunderstorms as inevitable localized adjustments, allowing their portfolios to remain nominally compliant with internal net-zero pledges.
At the Environmental Protection Agency, officials noted that the soupy air mass is currently entirely compliant with existing emissions frameworks. A spokesperson confirmed that while the dangerous storms threaten regional grid stability, the accompanying lightning strikes will briefly illuminate the region's crumbling coastal infrastructure without generating additional greenhouse gases.
The Northeast's permanent transition into a sweltering marshland will be formally acknowledged during the upcoming COP29 climate summit in Baku. Delegates are expected to draft a non-binding resolution expressing profound regret over the humidity, ahead of the deadline for next quarter's finalized offshore lease sales.