One Nation to abolish Climate Department over complete failure to change the climate

Following a surge in national tracking polls, the right-wing One Nation party formally proposed a policy framework on Tuesday to abolish Australia’s Department of Climate Change, citing the agency’s total inability to alter global weather patterns.

The party’s legislative proposal notes that despite billions in federal funding and countless inter-agency working groups, the government has not managed to trigger a single verifiable heatwave or alter a single ocean current. In contrast, the document highlights that legacy operators like Woodside Energy, Santos, and BHP have successfully driven unprecedented atmospheric shifts for decades, demonstrating the superior efficiency of the free market.

The push to privatize the planet’s warming comes as algorithms continue to surface long-dormant denialist content to Australian voters ahead of the next federal election. According to a recent analysis of the national registry, abolishing the department would save taxpayers roughly $3 billion annually. One Nation has proposed redirecting those funds into direct grants for deep-water gas exploration to help accelerate the climate-changing process, arguing that private enterprise is better positioned to hit the crucial 1.5-degree threshold.

Prime Minister Anthony Albanese's office issued a brief statement defending the department's work, pointing to a recent white paper outlining a 2050 framework for evaluating localized weather anomalies. The administration is currently preparing its updated Nationally Determined Contribution for COP30 in Brazil, alongside federal approvals for four new metallurgical coal extensions in the Bowen Basin.