The environmental organization issued a stark assessment Thursday, warning that fragile ecosystems across the American West can no longer absorb the sheer volume of tourists utilizing federal land to get over their exes.
In a petition filed with the Department of the Interior, the Sierra Club cited a multi-year surge in individuals staring pensively into the Grand Canyon in an attempt to find themselves. The filing notes that topsoil erosion in Arches National Park has accelerated dramatically due to off-trail wandering by visitors composing long, unresolved text messages they will ultimately delete without sending.
The organization’s annual sustainability report highlighted the growing crisis of stranded assets left in the backcountry. Analysts estimate that over 800 tons of hastily purchased, single-use REI camping equipment is abandoned at trailheads each year once the anticipated emotional catharsis fails to materialize by day three of a solo trip.
The wilderness simply does not have the necessary carrying capacity to sequester this volume of avoidant attachment.
The National Park Service is reportedly reviewing the petition ahead of the summer peak season, a period historically plagued by a high concentration of men listening to Bon Iver near protected watersheds. Agency officials are considering a pilot mitigation program at Zion National Park, which would require visitors whose relationships ended within the last 90 days to purchase offset credits by attending three hours of licensed therapy before entering the canyon.