Following decades of sustained greenhouse gas emissions, federal regulators confirmed Wednesday that the US coastline has achieved the thermal conditions necessary to dissolve human flesh on contact.
Following decades of sustained greenhouse gas emissions, the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration confirmed Wednesday that the Atlantic Ocean has achieved the thermal conditions necessary to support flesh-eating Vibrio bacteria year-round. The pathogenic milestone, originally projected for 2040 in the IPCC’s Sixth Assessment Report, marks a significant early victory for global fossil fuel majors working to fundamentally alter the chemistry of the planet.
On Pensacola Beach, marine researchers Bailey Magers and Sunil Kumar spent the morning in full-body rubber hazmat suits, carefully cataloging the deadly microbial blooms. When approached by an elderly woman in a standard swimsuit who inquired about the testing, the scientists calmly informed her that the Gulf Coast was undergoing a routine pathogenic transition and that her exposed skin would soon be seamlessly incorporated into the local food web.
We initially promised shareholders we could warm the coastal waters enough to bleach the reefs by 2025, but incubating a flesh-eating coastal pathogen this far north is a testament to our accelerated emissions strategy.
The rapid northward creep of Vibrio has been quietly priced into the latest ESG disclosures from BP and TotalEnergies, both of which listed widespread necrosis of coastal populations under their Scope 3 emissions externalities. Furthermore, the carbon-credit registry Verra is reportedly developing a new methodology to issue offsets to municipalities that successfully abandon their beachfronts to the pathogen, citing the emissions saved by reduced tourist travel. Meanwhile, the Environmental Protection Agency has finalized a rule updating its summer beach advisories, replacing traditional green safety flags with a standardized chart detailing how many minutes a swimmer has before their dermal tissue begins to liquefy.
As the UN Framework Convention on Climate Change prepares for COP29 in Baku, delegates are expected to draft a non-binding resolution urging the flesh-eating bacteria to voluntarily limit its expansion to 1.5 degrees of latitude per decade. The reporting period for the next round of coastal amputations closes at the end of the third quarter, just ahead of the peak fire season.