The National Park Service issued an emergency bulletin Tuesday instructing early-stage founders to maintain a strict 25-yard distance while presenting corporate net-zero solutions to the Lamar Valley herd.
The directive follows a sharp increase in tourists approaching the 2,000-pound mammals with laminated slide decks outlining direct-air capture initiatives and blockchain-verified offset registries. Park ecologists report that the herd, which is currently preparing for the arduous winter transition, lacks both the liquid capital and the cognitive framework necessary to evaluate seed-round valuations.
While we recognize that traditional venture markets are tightening for early-stage sustainability projects, an agitated bull bison cannot be the lead investor on your Series A.
Last Thursday, a Bay Area founder was airlifted to a regional hospital after attempting to walk a nursing cow through his revised Scope 3 emissions forecast. The incident prompted rangers to temporarily close the trailhead and confiscate over forty iPads displaying proprietary metrics on scalable kelp farming.
Wildlife officials stated the emergency order will remain in place through the spring calving season, advising that any future pitches regarding stranded fossil-fuel assets should be submitted through the standard public comment portal.