After 140 years of reliably terrifying occupants, a local poltergeist has reportedly ceased all paranormal activity, citing a profound disgust with the new owners' decision to tear down the walls separating the kitchen and the formal dining room.
SALEM, MA—Following a recent real estate transaction and subsequent gut-renovation of a historic Queen Anne home, a 19th-century apparition has officially suspended his haunting duties, telling investigators he absolutely refuses to terrorize a family in a "tasteless, open-concept nightmare."
Silas Blackwood, who died of consumption in the home’s master suite in 1883, reportedly ceased his usual routine of rattling chains and extinguishing candles the moment contractors removed the load-bearing wall between the scullery and the drawing room. According to parapsychologists, the spirit became visibly distressed upon realizing the first floor had been converted into a single, uninterrupted expanse of luxury vinyl plank flooring, leaving him nowhere to ominously lurk.
We usually see spirits agitated by holy water or ancient curses, but Mr. Blackwood is primarily furious that the owners installed a massive quartz kitchen island right where the morning room used to be. You simply cannot execute a chilling, dramatic exit when there are no doors left to slam.
Blackwood has reportedly filed a formal grievance through a Ouija board, complaining that the lack of distinct rooms makes his localized cold spots dissipate far too quickly across the floor plan. Furthermore, the apparition noted that attempting to float menacingly down a darkened corridor is completely ruined when the corridor has been absorbed into a "great room" that smells faintly of air fryers.
At press time, Blackwood was seen sighing heavily while hovering near a newly installed sliding barn door, reportedly considering relocating to a nearby Victorian bed-and-breakfast with intact wainscoting and a proper vestibule.