Dismissing concerns over an $86,000 annual cost of attendance and a shrinking national applicant pool, administrators announced a sweeping review of the campus's "hydration aesthetics" on Tuesday.
Dismissing concerns over an $86,000 annual cost of attendance and a shrinking national applicant pool, administrators at Boston University announced a sweeping review of the campus's "hydration aesthetics" on Tuesday.
In a presentation to the Board of Trustees, Dean of Admissions Marcus Vance argued that prospective freshmen are declining admission offers not because of macroeconomic pressures, but because the university’s Elkay EZH2O bottle filling stations lack "main character energy." According to Vance, internal focus groups revealed that high school seniors found the water fountains in the College of Arts and Sciences "drab, medically utilitarian, and entirely unsuited for a day-in-the-life vlog."
When a prospective student takes a campus tour, they aren't calculating compound interest on unsubsidized federal loans—they are visualizing their first-week photo dump. Right now, our second-floor humanities fountain is giving municipal courthouse. It’s a complete conversion-killer.
To combat the perceived crisis, the university has authorized an emergency $4.2 million capital project, reportedly funded by freezing adjunct faculty hires for the academic year. The initiative will retrofit 150 campus water fountains with customizable LED ring lights, brushed brass spigots, and integrated MagSafe smartphone mounts to ensure optimal lighting for students refilling their Stanley cups.
When asked by the student newspaper if lowering the university's tuition might be a more direct way to attract applicants, Vance dismissed the idea as shortsighted. He noted that while a cheaper degree might marginally reduce post-graduate poverty, it fundamentally fails to address a 19-year-old’s need to look mildly ethereal while consuming filtered tap water.