Father Thomas Gregson of the Boston Archdiocese briefly suspended an active Rite of Exorcism on Tuesday to politely ask a 3,000-year-old entity to stop focusing its psychological warfare on his recent haircut.
According to witnesses inside the Framingham split-level home, the ancient spirit inhabiting 14-year-old Tyler Hayes had spent the first two hours of the ritual adhering to standard demonic protocol. This included levitation, projectile vomiting, and threatening to drag the priest's soul to the sulfurous pits of Gehenna. However, at approximately 3:15 p.m., the entity reportedly dropped its guttural Aramaic chanting to observe in unaccented English that the priest had been absolutely butchered at Great Clips.
Church officials confirmed that Gregson paused the sacred rite, lowering his crucifix to calmly explain to the Prince of Darkness that the uneven texturing on the sides was a deliberate stylistic choice. The entity responded by rotating the teenager's head a full 180 degrees to get a better view of the priest's bald spot, noting that whoever blended the back had entirely given up halfway through the transition.
The Roman Ritual provides strict guidelines for combating spiritual terror, but it offers precisely zero theological framework for when a Sumerian plague deity tells you that your barber pushed your hairline back to the Eisenhower administration.
Assistants present at the rite noted that Gregson became increasingly defensive as the afternoon wore on. When the priest attempted to splash holy water on the thrashing boy while commanding the spirit to reveal its true name, the demon reportedly ignored the burning sensation to ask if Gregson's true name was Friar Tuck. The exorcism was ultimately paused for twenty minutes while the priest retrieved his phone to show the hovering entity a reference photo of what he had actually asked the barber to do.
By late Tuesday evening, the Archdiocese reported that the entity had been successfully expelled from the boy's body, though not before suggesting Gregson invest in a decent pomade. Gregson is currently scheduled to perform a house blessing on Thursday, provided he can find an available appointment at a different salon.