NAPERVILLE, Ill. — Pausing a basement remodeling project on Saturday afternoon, 52-year-old local father Mark Higgins reportedly spent 20 consecutive minutes running a new Zircon electronic multiscanner across his own sternum. The comprehensive diagnostic protocol was initiated to verify the sensor's calibration before the device could be trusted against the drywall.
Witnesses confirmed that Higgins began the sequence by holding the tool flat against his fleece quarter-zip, waiting for the green ready light to illuminate, and slowly sliding the unit horizontally across his ribcage. Upon reaching the center of his chest, Higgins paused, watched the red LED array peak, and loudly vocalized a high-pitched "beep-beep-beep" sound to indicate a successful reading. He then reset the device and restarted the process from his opposite shoulder to ensure the results were reproducible in a clinical setting.
While our user manual explicitly states the unit should be zeroed out on a flat, unobstructed half-inch gypsum board, we understand that pressing the scanner to your own heart to confirm you still have the goods is a load-bearing step in any home improvement project.
After thoroughly vetting the standard edge-detection capabilities, Higgins reportedly toggled the device into DeepScan mode to check for structural density beneath his collarbone. He briefly attempted to run the scanner over his 16-year-old son, who was walking past carrying a bucket of joint compound, only to loudly announce that the tool "must be broken" when it failed to register a reading on the teenager.
Following a final pass over his left pectoral that successfully triggered the unshielded live AC wiring alert, Higgins nodded in solemn approval, set the scanner on a nearby sawhorse, and immediately drove a two-inch drywall screw completely through a hollow section of plaster.