Acting Attorney General Todd Blanche is taking Washington by storm with a highly curated approach to federal retaliation. The aesthetic practice of silencing the press has quickly become the season's definitive self-care trend for administration officials.
The Justice Department has reported a 400 percent spike in internal engagement with mindful press suppression, replacing last year's chaotic midnight legal threats with a slow-living approach to chilling the First Amendment. Aides say the acting attorney general’s new morning flow involves waking up at dawn, meditating, and quietly drafting a minimalist subpoena for a reporter whose investigative work has upset President Donald Trump.
Threatening a reporter with federal charges used to be such a rushed, stressful experience, but Todd has really elevated the process into a small joy.
The ritual has already spawned numerous copycats across the executive branch, with cabinet members trading tips on secure messaging apps about how to seamlessly integrate state-sponsored coercion into a busy workday. Practitioners report that taking twenty minutes each morning to quietly dismantle constitutional oversight serves as a grounding, screen-free exercise before the daily intelligence briefings begin.
Trend forecasters predict the minimalist approach to authoritarianism will only grow as the weather warms. Several senior officials have already been spotted at the Dupont Circle farmers' market browsing artisanal, small-batch wiretaps, ensuring their unconstitutional surveillance remains entirely locally sourced.