The spectral entity occupying a recently flipped historic home has reportedly suspended all paranormal activity in the kitchen, citing the completely unacceptable build quality of the new homeowners’ flat-pack cabinetry. Activity logs show a sharp drop in supernatural occurrences immediately following the installation of the compressed-sawdust units.
The 140-year-old spirit of a former industrialist experienced a steep decline in engagement last Tuesday after his attempt to violently fling open a set of faux-oak pantry doors resulted in the immediate stripping of three zinc hinges. According to ambient temperature readings, the apparition spent several minutes staring at a piece of wood veneer that had peeled away during the manifestation before loudly sighing and retreating through the ceiling. Subsequent attempts to aggressively rattle the silverware drawers were thoroughly neutralized by the dampening effect of the modern soft-close tracks, entirely ruining the entity’s dramatic timing.
We are currently tracking a 40 percent decline in kitchen-based poltergeist activity across the Hudson Valley as flippers continue to replace solid mahogany with particle board.
The aesthetic disconnect between traditional hauntings and contemporary modern-farmhouse renovations has created growing friction in the local housing market. Real estate analysts noted that the ghost also attempted to ooze spectral blood down the backsplash, only to watch the ectoplasm bead up and roll harmlessly off the moisture-resistant peel-and-stick subway tile. Frustrated by the lack of structural density required to support a basic telekinetic storm, the spirit has reportedly refused to interact with any fixture purchased from Wayfair.
By Thursday evening, the apparition had relocated its nightly torment entirely to the original cast-iron clawfoot tub in the upstairs bathroom, citing it as the only remaining object in the residence capable of sustaining a respectable temperature drop.