The struggling lingerie giant announced Monday that its corporate turnaround strategy will rely entirely on newly appointed image director Adam Selman’s capacity to look at 25 million women’s undergarments without making it weird.
Selman, widely reported by industry insiders to be "a fairly standard, non-horrifying dude," has been given full creative control over the brand's vast inventory of push-ups, bralettes, and thongs. Financial analysts predict the company’s stock could stabilize provided the designer can successfully navigate a headquarters containing millions of lace garments without breathing heavily or making any unsettling comments to the merchandising team.
Our internal data shows a massive spike in consumer trust whenever a male executive looks at a bra as a piece of apparel rather than an incident waiting to happen.
Retail forecasters note this hiring marks a crucial soft launch for the brand’s new era, pivoting away from the aggressive runway spectacles of the 2000s in favor of the small joy of purchasing underwear from a company whose leadership team is not currently embroiled in a federal subpoena. Store layouts are being intentionally redesigned to reflect Selman’s aura of basic human decency, replacing towering portraits of oiled supermodels with soft lighting and retail environments where shoppers do not feel actively hunted.
Wall Street responded positively to the appointment on Tuesday morning, sending shares up 4% after Selman held up a silk demi-cup during an investor call, calmly discussed its supply chain logistics, and then politely moved on to the next slide.