The 15-year-old canine passed away peacefully Tuesday while steadfastly refusing to acknowledge a large package being dropped heavily onto the front porch.
EVANSTON, Ill. — Barnaby, a 15-year-old miniature dachshund who bravely held his ground and completely ignored an Amazon delivery driver, died Tuesday on his orthopedic living room bed.
Over a distinguished home-defense career, Barnaby survived a traumatic 2017 kitchen remodel and the terrifying introduction of a robotic vacuum. By his twilight years, he transitioned from active perimeter enforcement to a doctrine of strategic apathy, pioneering a technique in which he simply sighed and faced the drywall during peak delivery hours.
He didn't even lift a single ear when the man dropped a 40-pound box of kibble directly on the wood planks.
Barnaby is survived by Higgins, a slightly chewed Nylabone completely untouched since 2016, and a neighborhood squirrel who must now find meaning elsewhere. In lieu of flowers, the family requests that all delivery personnel leave packages quietly behind the decorative planter.