The 38-year corporate veteran succumbed to small talk and forced mingling just minutes after the sheet cake was cut.
COLUMBUS, Ohio — Greg Miller, 65, a senior accountant who successfully avoided non-essential eye contact for four decades, died Thursday of acute, catastrophic social exhaustion at his own mandatory retirement party. Miller spent 38 years at logistics firm Cornett & Associates, holding the unbroken office record for briefest email replies. Colleagues fondly recalled his heroic 2014 effort to repair a jammed paper shredder entirely by himself rather than risk asking the receptionist for help. The fatal exposure reportedly occurred in the breakroom after three consecutive coworkers asked him what his plans were for the summer.
He was a wonderful, dedicated man who just desperately wanted to be left alone to look at his variance reports.
He is survived by his wife, Martha, two adult children he spoke to comfortably for up to 12 minutes at a time, and a pristine ergonomic desk chair. In lieu of flowers, the family requests you please cancel your weekend plans and stay home in silence.