Standing motionless with his hands on his hips and his jaw tightly set, 43-year-old local father Greg Vance expressed total confidence Thursday that a sustained, disapproving glare would soon force the leaking PVC pipe beneath his kitchen sink to spontaneously repair its own threading.
The standoff, which began shortly after 1:00 p.m. when Vance noticed a small pool of water near the dish soap, has consisted entirely of the father of three projecting intense psychological dominance toward the cabinet interior. Witnesses report Vance has not yet touched a wrench, opting instead to slowly wipe his completely dry hands on a shop rag to signal to the plumbing that his patience is wearing thin.
If you grab the channel locks right away, the fixture knows it has the upper hand.
Vance whispered the above statement to reporters while refusing to break eye contact with the steadily dripping slip-nut. He then shifted his weight to his left leg, adopting a wide, authoritative stance that he later claimed was crucial for cornering the water pressure.
At 2:15 p.m., Vance reportedly escalated the repair by letting out a heavy, audible sigh, a maneuver he estimated severely weakened the leak's structural integrity. He then reached under the sink and tapped the side of the pipe twice with his knuckle, a specialized technique designed to remind the municipal water supply who pays the mortgage.
At press time, Vance had placed an empty Folgers coffee can beneath the drip to assert a physical perimeter, declaring that the pipe had "learned its lesson" and would likely dry up completely once he went out to the garage to look at his lawnmower.