Standing in his driveway with his hands on his hips, local father Greg Stanton officially extended the region’s winter weather advisory Tuesday, confidently predicting three more major snowstorms despite possessing zero meteorological data. The 54-year-old hardware store manager reportedly issued his long-range forecast after briefly squinting at a moderately gray cloud formation to the northwest.
Stanton, who has no background in atmospheric science and does not own a barometer, informed neighbors that the neighborhood is not out of the woods yet while scraping a thin layer of frost off his Honda CR-V. According to witnesses, the father of three bypassed the National Weather Service's radar models entirely, instead basing his severe weather outlook on the specific way the wind felt against his uncovered neck when he walked down to the curb to fetch the morning paper. He further bolstered his internal climate models by pointing at a group of squirrels near an oak tree, claiming their foraging behavior proved the polar vortex was preparing to stall over the Great Lakes.
The localized forecast directly contradicts data from the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, which currently indicates a high-pressure system bringing unseasonably warm temperatures and clear skies for the next three weeks. When presented with the government's satellite imagery by his teenage daughter, Stanton reportedly dismissed the multi-billion-dollar Doppler radar network, noting that the meteorologists in Washington do not know what it is like when the frost heaves act up on Interstate 96. He added that a supercomputer cannot measure the precise dampness currently settling into his lower lumbar region.
You look at how the sky gets that flat, milky white color right around 4 p.m. and you just know we are in for at least three more serious dumpings before April.
By mid-morning, Stanton had already urged his wife to delay putting away the heavy snowblower and sent an unprompted group text to his adult sons advising them to check the tread depth on their all-weather tires. At press time, he was seen rearranging half-empty bags of rock salt in his garage while warning a passing mail carrier that the third storm would likely start as freezing rain, a conclusion he reached after noticing the neighbor's trash cans had blown over in the night.