Hailing the movement as a major breakthrough in his Tuesday upper-body split, a local gymgoer debuted a highly complex, unprecedented cable routine completely untethered from the principles of human kinesiology.
COLUMBUS, Ohio — Staking a claim to roughly forty square feet of the local LA Fitness weight room, 28-year-old Jared Vollmer reportedly pioneered a highly complex, wildly untethered new bicep exercise Tuesday morning that completely abandons all known mechanics of the human musculoskeletal system.
Witnesses working out near the cable crossover towers confirmed that Vollmer spent several minutes assembling the apparatus, ultimately threading a frayed triceps rope through a velcro ankle strap before securing both to a high-pulley D-handle. After dragging a foam plyometric box into the center of the aisle, Vollmer then adopted a wide, lopsided stance, twisted his torso nearly ninety degrees away from the weight stack, and began yanking the makeshift handle directly past his own ear in a violent, jerking motion.
He spent almost ten minutes building this elaborate rig while staring intensely at the ceiling, so I assumed he was doing some kind of specialized physical therapy.
But once he started aggressively heaving his entire body weight backward to move forty pounds, I realized he was just trying to isolate a part of the bicep that does not biologically exist.
Kinesiologists later analyzing bystander footage of the routine noted that while the exercise provided almost zero time-under-tension for the arms, it did successfully introduce an entirely new, devastating axis of rotation to the lumbar spine. Medical professionals added that the movement vaguely resembled someone attempting to start a stubborn lawnmower while falling sideways down a flight of stairs.
At press time, Vollmer had concluded his third set of eight repetitions, dropping the heavy metal attachments loudly onto the rubber floor before nodding at his own reflection in the mirror, visibly satisfied with a pump localized entirely in his lower neck.