Clearing a 14-inch perimeter beside a cooling green bean casserole, area uncle Greg Farrance reportedly deployed a partially consumed dinner roll and a Morton salt shaker to illustrate the deteriorating security apparatus in the South China Sea. The impromptu tactical briefing occurred just after 6:00 p.m. on Sunday, temporarily halting the rotation of side dishes across the dining table.
Farrance, 58, began the simulation by pressing a fork into the tablecloth to denote the contested Nine-Dash Line. Witnesses confirmed he then advanced the salt shaker, acting as a United States Nimitz-class aircraft carrier, directly into an exclusionary zone currently occupied by a gravy boat.
If Beijing attempts to dredge these remaining crumbs and militarize the sector, it completely severs our access to the butter dish.
The tabletop exercise escalated when Farrance’s teenage niece reached across the theater of operations to retrieve the salt shaker for her own meal. Farrance immediately intercepted her arm, categorizing the maneuver as an unprovoked violation of international maritime law. He then proceeded to tap a butter knife against his water glass to simulate hostile submarine sonar pings.
The strategic briefing abruptly concluded twenty minutes later when Farrance forgot the geopolitical significance of the bread-based archipelago and ate it.