The domestic shorthair passed away Tuesday during a tense, six-day standoff with a sleeping LaserJet Pro.
EVANSTON, Ill. — Mittens, 14, a domestic shorthair and vigilant guardian of the second-floor home office, died Tuesday of natural causes while waiting for the absolute perfect moment to strike a sleeping Hewlett-Packard LaserJet Pro. Born behind a suburban dumpster in 2010, Mittens spent his life defining the perimeter of the guest bedroom and held the neighborhood record for consecutive hours spent staring unblinkingly at an empty hallway. Though his later years were slowed by arthritis and a profound misunderstanding of the robotic vacuum, he remained fiercely committed to his final campaign against the printer's output tray. According to household officials, Mittens maintained a rigid, pupil-dilated crouch beside the desk for six continuous days, refusing to strike until the exact second a tax document began to emerge.
He knew the machine was going to make that terrifying clicking noise again, and he was prepared to wait out the winter to destroy it.
He is survived by an untouched sisal scratching post, a half-eaten can of whitefish paté, and a red laser dot he never successfully neutralized. In lieu of flowers, the family requests that a crinkly plastic wrapper be batted permanently beneath a refrigerator in his honor.