Ending months of bitter partisan gridlock, the Muncie City Council successfully passed a landmark $8 public works package on Tuesday aimed at revitalizing the city’s crumbling roadway infrastructure.
The comprehensive spending bill, narrowly approved in a 5-4 late-night vote, will immediately release funds to procure exactly one partially torn bag of quick-setting Quikrete from the local Menards. Proponents of the legislation called the eight-dollar appropriation a once-in-a-generation investment that signals the municipality is finally ready to modernize its transportation network and compete in the modern global economy.
Passage of the measure was repeatedly stalled by fiscal conservatives who argued that the city simply could not afford the eight dollars without raising taxes, suggesting instead that residents continue swerving into oncoming traffic. Compromise was only reached after moderate council members agreed to spread the $8 expenditure over the next four fiscal quarters to avoid triggering a municipal bond crisis.
We are looking at a massive, multi-phase logistical mobilization here, one that will require us to carefully transport six pounds of gravel in the trunk of my personal Honda Civic.
At press time, the historic infrastructure rollout had already hit a major snag after the designated municipal repair crew spent $6.50 of the budget on a breakfast sandwich, leaving the city to fill the massive Elm Street crater with wadded-up receipts and a discarded floor mat.