The Westerville City Council entered its fourth hour of debate Tuesday over whether a minor blood sacrifice to appease the subterranean void beneath Elm Street would be more fiscally responsible than repaving it again. Officials noted that while traditional asphalt has failed six times this year, a modest offering of unblemished livestock could permanently seal the fissure.
The primary roadblock in Tuesday’s legislative session was not the nature of the rite, but municipal procurement rules. While the Department of Public Works has ample discretionary funds for cold-patch gravel, the city charter requires any purchase of a spotless calf over five hundred dollars to undergo a formalized competitive bidding process.
According to an independent engineering study commissioned last month, the structural integrity of the Elm Street crater has been entirely compromised by restless, ancient earthly spirits. The resulting 400-page report presented the council with three viable remediation strategies: a $4.2 million full road reconstruction, a $400 temporary asphalt patch, or a $1,200 ceremonial slaughter conducted directly on the municipal median.
Prior to the debate, the local zoning board approved a temporary variance allowing a basalt altar to be erected in the left turning lane, provided it does not obstruct the pedestrian crosswalk. However, council members remained bitterly divided on the environmental impact, with several demanding a formal study on how the resulting blood runoff would interact with the city storm drains and whether it complied with Ohio Environmental Protection Agency watershed guidelines.
We simply do not have the manpower to keep sending a crew out to Elm Street every time the earth opens its maw to swallow a commuter.
The neighborhood association has already expressed fierce opposition to the proposal, warning that the sacrificial runoff would severely stain the newly painted green bike lanes. The meeting was ultimately adjourned until Thursday after the city attorney warned the council that performing a blood rite without a union-certified butcher would directly violate the municipal collective bargaining agreement.