An unnamed Eastern Gray Squirrel, known to Oak Park residents primarily as "The Fat One," died Tuesday following a territorial dispute over a Yankee Flipper bird feeder. He was 4.
An unnamed Eastern Gray Squirrel, known to residents of 442 Elm Street primarily as "The Fat One," died Tuesday from blunt force trauma sustained during a prolonged territorial dispute over a motorized Yankee Flipper bird feeder. He was 4.
Born under the neighbor's composite deck in 2022, the squirrel rose to local prominence by successfully chewing through three distinct brands of supposedly chew-proof polycarbonate. He lived a long and distinguished life, holding the neighborhood record for consecutive hours spent hanging upside down by one claw while maintaining unbroken, hostile eye contact with the indoor cat.
He systematically destroyed eighty dollars worth of baffled acrylic tubing and took exactly one bite out of every single heirloom tomato we grew, but you had to respect his work ethic.
He is survived by three anonymous mates, forty-seven nearly identical offspring, and a half-buried stash of stale peanuts rotting in the petunias. In lieu of flowers, the family asks that all nearby oak trees be left unpruned.