Following a marathon legislative session featuring accusations of treason and multiple thrown chairs, the council emerged at dawn Thursday having successfully authorized the deployment of half a bucket of asphalt.
The 14-hour session on Wednesday night reportedly involved three distinct filibusters, a recess to consult outside legal counsel, and the brief mobilization of the municipal fire department, all of which culminated in a narrow 5-4 vote to fill a two-inch asphalt depression on Elm Street.
Witnesses confirmed the debate began when Councilwoman Brenda Miller attempted to bundle the pothole repair with a sweeping $40 million downtown revitalization package, prompting immediate accusations of rampant Marxism from the zoning committee. Over the ensuing twelve hours, the scope of the infrastructure bill was methodically stripped down, defunded, and amended until it contained only the authorization for a single public works employee to drive out in a 2008 Ford Ranger with a hand trowel and a bag of cold-patch asphalt.
This is a historic victory for the people of this city, and definitive proof that our democratic institutions can still solve the most complex infrastructure challenges of our time, provided they are roughly the size of a soup can.
Records indicate the council spent the final three hours of the session screaming over whether the asphalt should be tamped down with a mechanical tamper or just stepped on really hard by a guy in work boots. The boots faction ultimately prevailed after threatening a walkout.
The city has reportedly scheduled a ribbon-cutting ceremony for the newly leveled patch of road next Tuesday, which is expected to trigger an emergency closed-door session over who gets to hold the oversized scissors.