A local periodontist reportedly waited until his patient was sedated and fitted with a rubber dental dam Tuesday before requesting a comprehensive analysis of recent Federal Reserve rate hikes.
A routine dental procedure took on the gravity of a high-level economic symposium Tuesday morning when Dr. Alan Hersch reportedly paused his drill to ask a heavily sedated patient for a nuanced assessment of the current inverted yield curve.
According to dental assistants present in the exam room, Hersch successfully administered a heavy dose of nitrous oxide and local anesthetic to 34-year-old patient Marcus Thorne. Once Thorne’s jaw was locked open with a rubber bite block and his oral cavity packed tightly with cotton rolls, Hersch leaned in, inserted a sharp metal scaler beneath Thorne's gumline, and asked whether historical models were failing to account for post-pandemic labor hoarding.
Hersch then allegedly stared expectantly at the immobilized man, holding a high-volume suction tube against Thorne's tongue while waiting for a multi-point thesis on the resilience of the consumer price index.
I really value Marcus's perspective on these macroeconomic shifts, which is why I brought it up while scraping the tartar off his lower bicuspid.
Unable to move his jaw or close his mouth, Thorne attempted to synthesize a thoughtful response regarding sticky inflation. Clinic staff reported that his economic forecast was audibly rendered as a prolonged, guttural groan, accompanied by a thick string of drool pooling at the corner of his cheek retractor.
Hersch reportedly nodded thoughtfully at the gurgling sound, agreeing that the commercial real estate market was indeed facing an unprecedented liquidity crisis, before asking Thorne a follow-up question about the ethical implications of artificial intelligence in the manufacturing sector.
Following the successful extraction, Thorne was provided with fresh gauze, given strict instructions not to attempt speech for several hours, and dismissed. Witnesses confirm Hersch immediately shifted his conversational focus to the weather, having concluded their rigorous intellectual debate.