Ann Arbor food blogger Chloe Vance published a new recipe for 20-minute weeknight ziti Tuesday that requires readers to scroll past a devastating, 4,000-word account of her parents' bitter 1998 divorce. The SEO-optimized post reportedly details the precise moment a seven-year-old Vance realized her family was permanently broken, directly before listing the necessary measurements for dried oregano.
The post on the popular lifestyle site The Whimsical Whisk, titled "Cozy Fall Baked Ziti (Just Like Mom Used to Make!)," begins with a standard greeting about the changing autumn leaves before plunging into an uninterrupted narrative about Vance's father packing his bags in the middle of a November thunderstorm. Site analytics indicate that most visitors are forced to read about her mother's subsequent emotional collapse while frantically searching the page for the oven preheat temperature.
Readers noted that the structural whiplash reaches its peak just after a 900-word section detailing Vance's tearful testimony in family court, which ends abruptly with a brightly colored, bolded header reading, "Why You'll Love This Dish!"
I wanted to make sure my audience really understood the deep, aching psychological void this mozzarella blend is attempting to fill.
Vance’s recipe notes further advise that home cooks can easily substitute ricotta with cottage cheese if they are in a pinch, and substitute the illusion of unconditional love with years of intensive cognitive behavioral therapy. She also recommends using fresh basil for a pop of color to offset the heavy emotional burden of the preamble.
At press time, site visitors attempting to click the "Jump to Recipe" button were reportedly thwarted by a newsletter pop-up promising a free PDF of quick breakfast smoothies and a detailed timeline of Vance's teenage orthodontia trauma.