The four-year-old African pygmy hedgehog succumbed to a fatal, impenetrable state of philosophical despair on Thursday.
COLUMBUS, Ohio — Quigley, a four-year-old African pygmy hedgehog who held the household record for continuous nocturnal pacing, died Thursday inside an impervious defensive ball of total existential dread. Born in a suburban pet store, he survived three apartment moves, a brief encounter with a robotic vacuum, and 48 months of unyielding captivity inside a plastic terrarium. He was widely respected by his caretakers for his steadfast refusal to be held without drawing blood, and his profound, unwavering commitment to sleeping through all daylight hours.
He curled up on Tuesday, realized the exercise wheel was just a mechanical metaphor for our collective futile labor, and simply willed his tiny organs to stop.
Quigley is survived by a half-eaten bag of dried insects, a fleece sleeping pouch he resolutely refused to use, and a roommate who has yet to notice the enclosure has been completely silent for three nights. Services will be held behind the garage.