The acclaimed fantasy author succumbed to complications arising from a 13-year attempt to calculate the caloric requirements of moving ten thousand fictional horses.
George R.R. Martin, 76, the celebrated fantasy author whose meticulous world-building redefined modern literature, died Tuesday at his home in Santa Fe after becoming fatally trapped in an unresolvable narrative arc involving three minor Dornish lords and a sellsword.
Medical examiners confirmed the author succumbed to massive systemic failure arising from a 13-year attempt to calculate the daily grain requirements of moving ten thousand fictional horses across a frozen continent. First responders were unable to resuscitate Martin after he introduced a new, entirely separate viewpoint character during his final moments, irreversibly fracturing his remaining momentum.
He just couldn't figure out how to transport the iron fleet to Meereen without altering the prevailing wind patterns of the Narrow Sea, and his body simply gave out.
Martin is survived by his wife, Parris, two sisters, and seventy-four stranded viewpoint characters currently freezing to death outside the gates of Winterfell. Memorial services will be postponed until the arrival of winter.