First Alert Model SA303 succumbed to total 9-volt battery depletion early Tuesday morning. The ceiling-mounted unit had been battling a prolonged, three-week illness of intermittent sonic distress.
First Alert Model SA303, 8, of the upstairs hallway ceiling, died Tuesday after emitting one final, defiant 3 a.m. chirp. The cause of death was total 9-volt battery depletion following a prolonged, three-week illness of intermittent sonic distress.
Installed in 2018, SA303 lived a life of quiet vigilance, broken only by deafening bursts of panic whenever the oven door was opened too quickly. The unit survived two paint jobs, a violent broom-handle swatting during the Thanksgiving Smoke-Out of 2021, and years of accumulating a fine layer of drywall dust.
He was a fighter right until the end, making absolutely sure we were awake and acutely aware of his suffering.
SA303 is survived by a carbon monoxide detector plugged into a baseboard socket that no one knows how to read, and an empty plastic bracket that will remain on the ceiling until the house is sold. In lieu of flowers, the family asks that you blindly swat at your own neglected ceiling devices.