COLUMBUS, Ohio — Helen Miller, 88, died Tuesday morning while expressing profound irritation at the six-point Arial font on the Riverside Methodist Hospital lunch menu.
COLUMBUS, Ohio — Helen Miller, 88, died Tuesday morning while expressing profound irritation at the six-point Arial font on the Riverside Methodist Hospital lunch menu.
Miller’s passing concludes a formidable era on Elmwood Avenue, where she held the local record for making a single roll of Scotch tape last 11 years and survived a harrowing 1994 kitchen remodel. Her final moments were spent tapping a laminated tray card, loudly wondering if the cafeteria expected her to use an electron microscope to locate the low-sodium turkey.
Her vitals were remarkably strong, but her patience categorically flatlined the moment she realized they had squeezed the daily soup options onto an unspaced line.
She is survived by three children and a utility drawer containing 42 meticulously sorted twist ties. In lieu of flowers, the family requests all local restaurants reprint their menus in 14-point Helvetica.