The Peoria resident suffered a fatal cognitive collapse during jury instructions after realizing the law permitted the use of basic human inference.
PEORIA, Ill. — Stan Hoke, 55, a dedicated logistics supervisor and amateur driveway sealant enthusiast, died Tuesday from a catastrophic misunderstanding of the burden of proof. Hoke, who miraculously survived an eight-year neighborhood zoning dispute over a decorative retaining wall, suffered a fatal internal rupture when instructed by a county judge that the civil plaintiff only needed to prove their case by a preponderance of the evidence. Born in 1968, Hoke was widely revered in his subdivision for his ironclad rule against using the good kitchen scissors on plastic clamshell packaging, a policy he enforced with unwavering gentleness for more than two decades.
Stan was a good man, but his chest simply caved in the moment he realized we didn't need a notarized 4K video of the slip-and-fall to award damages.
Hoke is survived by his wife of 30 years, Diane; two adult sons; and a half-empty jug of 5W-30 motor oil that will remain untouched on the third shelf of his garage until the end of time.