A local father of two passed away Tuesday after suffering a catastrophic structural collapse while attempting to transport 32 items from Kroger into his home in a single, unbroken haul.
DUBLIN, Ohio — Gary Miller, 42, a devoted father, mid-level regional logistics manager, and steadfast refuser of second trips, died Tuesday after attempting to carry 14 plastic grocery bags and three 12-packs of sparkling water from his Honda CR-V to the kitchen in a single, fatal haul.
Miller was widely respected throughout his cul-de-sac for his unyielding stubbornness in the face of minor domestic inconveniences. He leaves behind a legacy of quiet, hard-fought triumphs, having held the neighborhood record for promptly returning a borrowed pressure washer and famously surviving a 2019 IKEA bedroom assembly without consulting the instruction manual.
His fingers were entirely purple from the plastic handles and he couldn't see over the bulk paper towels, but he refused to put anything down on the driveway. He died doing what he believed in: saving 40 seconds.
He is survived by his wife, two children, and all 32 items from Kroger, which successfully made it over the threshold intact. In lieu of flowers, the family requests that pallbearers transport his casket from the hearse to the burial plot in one unbroken motion.