A local man was rushed to the hospital Sunday afternoon after forcing volunteers to extract three and a half pints of his blood to ensure he outperformed his brother-in-law.
The incident began shortly after morning mass in the St. Thomas the Apostle gymnasium. Witnesses reported that 53-year-old Gary Helfand was in the middle of a routine whole-blood extraction when he noticed his sister’s husband, Mark, finishing up a donation at the adjacent station. Upon hearing Mark mention he had filled his 500-milliliter bag in just under seven minutes, a visibly agitated Helfand flagged down a phlebotomist and demanded they immediately tap his other arm to "lap that lightweight."
Despite severe pallor, localized bruising, and a rapidly dropping systolic blood pressure, Helfand repeatedly swatted away offers of apple juice and Lorna Doone cookies. Red Cross personnel stated that Helfand actively began clenching his entire upper musculature in an attempt to forcefully pump a second liter of fluid out of his body, shouting at volunteers to swap out the collection bags faster so Mark wouldn't win on a technicality.
We explained to Mr. Helfand multiple times that blood donation is a standardized charitable act, not a volume-based endurance sport, but he just gripped his foam squeeze-star tighter and whispered that Mark was a subordinate male.
As Helfand crossed the two-pint threshold, parish volunteers reportedly attempted to forcibly remove the intravenous needle to prevent cardiac arrest. Helfand responded by locking his free arm around the folding chair and loudly pointing out to the room that Mark had barely contributed enough plasma to sustain a premature infant. Bystanders noted that even as Helfand’s lips turned entirely blue, he maintained unbroken, unblinking eye contact with his brother-in-law to ensure dominance was registered.
At press time, emergency medical technicians were aggressively administering intravenous saline to the unconscious Helfand, who was reportedly still clutching three complementary "I Gave Locally" stickers in his rigid, bloodless fist.