The Minneapolis Park and Recreation Board has formally abandoned its strategy of proportional containment, announcing Wednesday that it has transitioned to a total war footing to neutralize a single Canada goose near Lake Bde Maka Ska.
The Minneapolis Park and Recreation Board has formally abandoned its strategy of proportional containment, announcing Wednesday that it has transitioned to a total war footing to neutralize a single Canada goose near Lake Bde Maka Ska.
Municipal officials confirmed that all conventional hazing avenues have been exhausted following a two-week period in which the waterfowl chased three separate joggers into the water and successfully defended a patch of clover against a municipal riding mower. In response, the city council authorized emergency operational powers, clearing the deployment of heavy landscaping equipment and requesting an immediate two-mile no-fly zone from the Federal Aviation Administration.
We tried standard municipal deterrence, including clapping loudly and yelling 'shoo,' but the adversary has made it clear that peace is no longer on the table.
A newly formed joint task force of state wildlife officers and seasonal sanitation workers has established a fortified perimeter around the lake's north shore. According to procurement records, the department has redirected $1.4 million from the summer recreation budget to acquire thermal-imaging drones, amphibious golf carts, and reinforced shin guards for frontline recreation coordinators. Residents within a four-block radius have been urged to stay away from the windows and accept that collateral damage to nearby picnic areas is inevitable.
At press time, reconnaissance units reported that the goose had successfully commandeered an abandoned paddleboat and was aggressively honking at an approaching column of animal control officers.