The heavy-gauge stainless steel implement, widely considered the household’s most emotionally reliable utensil, succumbed to injuries sustained in a tragic sink basin accident.
Primary Kitchen Tongs, 6, died Tuesday in Evanston following a catastrophic entanglement in an active InSinkErator garbage disposal. Purchased from a local Target in 2018, the stainless steel locking tongs quickly ascended the drawer hierarchy to become the household’s undisputed daily driver. Over a distinguished six-year career, the tongs flipped thousands of chicken thighs, rescued countless burning bagels from the oven’s deepest recesses, and held the regional record for delivering exactly three preparatory test clicks prior to any culinary deployment. They survived a severe stove-burner injury to one silicone tip in 2021, an incident they recovered from with quiet dignity.
You never had to look at them to know they were ready, you just gave them a double clack and they went right to work.
The tongs are survived by a slotted spoon, a neglected wire whisk, and a flimsy pair of secondary plastic tongs no one actually wants to use. A brief curb-side service will be held Thursday morning ahead of the municipal recycling pickup.