Despite featuring a motorized spin-ring, a weighted drop-perch, and a heavily greased mounting pole, a suburban bird feeder was easily compromised Tuesday morning by an eastern gray squirrel willing to jump slightly.
The security breach occurred at approximately 8:15 a.m. when the rodent, rather than engaging with the labyrinth of mechanical deterrents installed over the weekend, simply evaluated the distance from a nearby patio chair and launched itself directly into the feeding port. Security footage of the incident indicates the squirrel did not utilize a running start, opting instead for a casual, flat-footed leap that cleared the supposedly impenetrable baffle mechanism by several inches.
Once inside the perimeter, the animal bypassed a series of weight-activated closing shutters by anchoring its back legs to the wooden frame and hanging upside down. The $180 feeding apparatus, marketed as a military-grade solution to backyard pest interference, remained completely stationary as the squirrel began rapidly sorting through the millet to isolate the premium black oil sunflower seeds.
We spent the entire weekend calibrating the tension springs to collapse under anything heavier than a chickadee, completely ignoring the possibility of an airborne vector approach.
Following the initial infiltration, the squirrel reportedly spent 45 minutes consuming the high-calorie suet blend while the motorized defenses hung dormant beneath it. At one point, the animal was observed using the spring-loaded defensive baffle as a convenient footrest while meticulously shelling a peanut.
At press time, Penhaligon was seen standing motionless at his kitchen window with a lukewarm cup of coffee, quietly pricing out a series of motion-activated water turrets as the squirrel returned with a second, slightly heavier friend.