The transcendent golf icon spent his final moments attempting to punch out of the corrosive tide of eternal suffering with a 6-iron rather than accept an unplayable lie.
JUPITER, Fla. — Eldrick "Tiger" Woods, the 15-time major champion who redefined the sport of golf, died Tuesday at age 48 after refusing to take a one-stroke penalty drop from the banks of the River Styx.
Woods, whose legendary stubbornness famously propelled him to a U.S. Open victory on a broken leg, reportedly argued for forty minutes with the ferryman Charon that his submerged Titleist was strictly a casual water issue. Witnesses confirmed Woods removed his left shoe and waded knee-deep into the wailing souls of the ancient dead, insisting the ruling was unfair.
I told him we had plenty of grass to just take the stroke and pitch it back onto the mortal plane, but he swore he could slice it around the three-headed dog.
He is survived by his daughter, Sam, his son, Charlie, and a pristine, untouched drop zone on the near side of the abyss.